The Sorting Hat
by MeriTrells
Summary: I thought we'd seen the limits of Godric's stupidity when he named this place. : What did the other founders think when Godric whipped the sorting hat off his head?


Disclaimer: I own nothing.

What did the founders think when Godric Gryffindor "whipped me (the sorting hat) off his head"?

SS: Salazar Slytherin

GG: Godric Gryffindor

RR: Rowena Ravenclaw

HH: Helga Hufflepuff

-

SS: "Ha ha, very funny joke, Godric."

GG: "Oh, shut up, Salazar. You're just jealous you didn't think of it first."

SS: "Godric, no sane person would ever have thought of that. I mean, it's a hat!"

GG: "And not just any hat. This is a very special hat."

RR: "Yes, I can see that. Any normal hat would have fallen apart by now, considering what shape it's in."

HH: "I thought I told you to pitch that, Godric!"

GG: "You might have, but this, ladies and gentleman, is my lucky hat."

SS: "Your lucky hat?"

RR: "Oh, does it do things like tell you that tickling a sleeping dragon is stupid?"

GG: "That was one time, Rowena! Besides, everyone lived…"

RR: "Godric, it took you a month to recover from that beast. A month!"

GG: "But I did recover, so you see, no harm done."

RR: "The hair on your back still hasn't grown back."

SS: "And you would know all about the hair on his back, wouldn't you Rowena?"

RR: "Don't force me to hex you, Salazar."

HH: "I think we are getting off track."

SS: "Yes, pray tell, Ricky, why this hat is your 'lucky hat.'"

GG: "Don't call me Ricky, Sally."

SS: "Why you little!"

GG: "Little? If I'm little what does that make you?"

HH: "Boys, call down, please."

SS+GG: "Sorry Helga."

GG: "But he started it!"

RR: "I don't care who started what, but I think that two professors of the first magic school in all of Britain would have a little bit more maturity-"

SS: "Maturity? Just how long have you known Godric?"

RR: "Godric, before this school loses one of its professors, would you kindly explain to all of us what, exactly, this hat does? Why is it lucky, what good is it?"

HH: "Why shouldn't we just pitch it?"

GG: "Well, it's my lucky hat because I dropped it into a cauldron of Felix Felicis once, but that's not the point."

SS: "Then hurry up and share with the rest of us what, exactly, the point is!"

GG: "The point is that this hat is the answer to all our troubles!"

HH: "It creates a sense of unity between all those who come in contact with it!"

SS: "It prevents Muggles from destroying our culture and our kind!"

RR: "It promotes equality between the sexes, provides a decent education for all people, and offers women positions of power and the ability to control their own lives!"

GG: "It secures our borders from French barbarians! Wait, no it doesn't. Sorry, got carried away for a second there. No, it's a way to sort the children after we're gone."

…

SS: "A hat. Your brilliant solution is a hat. Do you think it's too late to pretend that I don't know him?"

RR: "God, I hope not."

GG: "It's Godric, Rowena, dear, not God. Okay, sweetie, you can put away your wand now. Remember, it's bad to kill people! Helga, Salazar, a little help here?"

HH: "Rowena, don't kill him. Please? After all, who else would entertain us all with antics as incredibly stupid as his are?"

GG: "Exactly! Wait- hey!"

RR: "Fine, I won't kill him. Yet."

GG: "I love you too, dear."

RR: "The key word there was yet, Godric. Now, enlighten us as to how your lucky hat will sort students."

GG: "Ah, well, I was thinking that if we just gave it life, or wait no, not life but intelligence, a bit of ourselves, then the students will simply place it on their heads, like so, and, if we give it the ability to use some form of Legilimency, it will read their minds and tell them where to go. It shouldn't be hard to accomplish, especially not when we have a mind as beautiful and brilliant as yours working on it, Rowena."

SS: "You're joking. Please, tell me you're joking. For the sake of everything that's good in this world, say you're joking!"

GG: "Oh, come on. It's not that bad of an idea. Is it, Rownea?"

RR: "Yes, yes it is Godric."

GG: "Humph. Well, you support me, don't you Helga?"

HH: "Godric, I've been against the idea of houses from the very beginning. I still think that we shouldn't divide the students like we do; it hurts school unity."

GG: "Traitor."

HH: "Godric, please, it's not that it's a bad idea-"

SS: "It's that it's a terrible idea."

HH: "No! That's not what I meant."

GG: "I don't care, Miss Hufflepuff, it's too late. You've already shown your true colors. I mean, I thought you were my friend, but I guess I was wrong. After all, friends support each other, they help each other-"

HH: "Alright, alright, I'll help you!"

GG: "Thank-you Helga."

RR: "Helga! This is a tremendously bad idea."

GG: "It's alright, Rowena, we don't need your help. We'll just be sure to put down that the stupid ones go into Ravenclaw."

RR: "Oh, please, like you'd be able to figure out the first step of your process without me."

HH: "Rowena, this is Godric, he probably would."

RR: "Helga, he tickled a sleeping dragon! On the eye!"

GG: "I'll make sure there's gender equality persevered through the ages if you join me."

RR: "I-"

HH: "Rowena, please, can we just try this? And if it doesn't work, oh well, we don't lose anything. But if it does work…"

RR: "It's not going to work. Godric, stop it with the puppy eyes. I- alright! I'll help you."

GG: "Oh, thank-you!"

RR: "My air supply! Please, loosen the hug a little. Thank-you. Anyway, what's the matter? I thought you said you could do it without my help?"

GG: "We could've, but it'll be funner and quicker with you."

RR: "Is funner even a word?"

GG: "Um, I don't know."

SS: "I still think this is a bad idea. I mean, I thought we'd seen the limits of Godric's stupidity when he came up with the name of this school-"

GG: "As I recall, you didn't have any better suggestions-"

SS: "And the there was the time he tickled that dragon on the eye-"

GG: "For the last time, that was one time! One! Un! Singular. We can just let it go now."

SS: "But I must say this really takes the cake. I mean, a sorting hat?"

GG: "Hey, great name. The Sorting Hat. I like it! So, let's get to work."

SS: "I'm not devoting my time to this idiotic project that is doomed to fail."

GG: "You're just jealous you didn't think of it first."

SS: "As I've previously stated, no sane person would think of that!"

GG: "Ah, so it's not jealousy that prevents you, it's fear!"

SS: "What?"

GG: "You're scared that you won't be able to accomplish this, but the rest of us will!"

SS: "I'm not scared of that! Why, I bet I'll be able to teach it how to properly sort Slytherins before it can sort Gryffindors!"

GG: "Oh yeah, the prove it."

SS: "Fine!"

GG: "Good, then let's get to work."

SS: "…I think I was just manipulated."

RR: "Salazar, it's Godric. Of course you were."


End file.
